my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
