i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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