I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
