When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
