Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
