you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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