the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
