Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize