Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
