Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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