Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
