I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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