but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
