i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
