How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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