Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize