I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
