Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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