I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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