Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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