U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
