I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
