That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
