im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
