Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Randomize
