my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
