what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize