I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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