i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
