Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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