So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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