somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you had me at cake vodka
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
