I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
