Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
