Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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