he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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