I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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