I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
