I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
