Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
