I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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