the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
