YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
