I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
