I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I need a burrito and a hug.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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