I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
