i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
