he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
