I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
