I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
