So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Even my vagina gasped.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
