i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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