On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
