When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
