Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
