yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
