I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
